In having some issues after my last surgery late last summer, everything had triggered a deep emotional “negative core belief” as I am told, that put me into a tailspin of binges and then severe depression. It has be an arduous time and am presently in Cognitive behavior therapy with a psychologist while on a 14th month wait list for mental health. I am also taking a self esteem program at a local woman’s resource center.
Having to lose weight has always been a lifetime endeavor for me ever since my early childhood. The numerous diets tried throughout the years varied but they always seemed to do what they were meant to do; lose weight. Maintaining that weight and keeping it off, was another issue that never seemed to happen. That roller coaster of losses and gains continued, only making me feel more of a failure and defeated. That “fat” girl, is what I conceded to be. I was destined to remain big, for it was who I was. I was ready to settle for just that. And still, even having lost nearly 400 pounds, I still feel fat.
It’s amazing how a child being called that one single 3 letter word “fat”, can carry with them so much power over the years. So much power that it molds your thinking and behavioral actions especially during stressful and emotional times. Food became my comfort, my happiness, my escape, my secret, my dependency, my coping… my life.
Hating myself so much, I felt no one could ever possibly love me. With my depleted self esteem, I wore a mask to hide behind. Over the years with my feelings of self loathing, UN-love ability, unworthiness & failure; it was cemented into my being from many occurrences over and over again, making my maladjusted thoughts become my reality; solidifying my neg truths to be real.
No amount of weight loss can rid you of the mental work one must have to do. I have to laugh when well meaning people say slurs to a obese/morbidly obese person, “well all you have to do is watch what you eat and exercise”. This is pure ignorance to the whole situation; for if they understood, they would know that there’s a lot more than food and no exercise that gets a person to be obese/ morbidly obese or super morbidly obese as I once was.
Losing weight is hard work but even harder is the loss one must work on to remove the years of warped thinking, poor behaviors and negative beliefs. We all can lose weight. It’s the changing of the mindset and losing all those negative truths that is the hardest. Everything together can make weight loss successful, you cannot succeed without working on it all.
One might say..”well you have no problem, look at how well you’ve done.” When I think back 2 years ago during my vast weight loss, I felt like I was on top of the world, unstoppable. Not realizing though, I had a transference, many in fact throughout the year, which gave me that “feel good” feeling. One leading into the next, which put me back a full circle, resorting back to my old behavior of coping with food when things got bad. It is not uncommon they say with an addict to have a relapse and go back to what is their vice…. of which I certainly did.
So as to update with you all… I am slowly crawling out of the hole I had fallen in. It is a slow progress and will get there. It will take me time to work through and change the so many ingrained thoughts and neg nellies in my head.
May you all in your journey to health keep steadfast and remember it is not only about body but mind. We must work diligently. Remember, “HEALTH IS WEALTH”.
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