Disturbances – Hobbling Liabilities

The past few weeks have been challenging with the many things going on in my life. It certainly has driven home that life will always throw curve balls my way… that is life! It’s all in how I play the game that will determine the outcome.

I have to own my part and be an active player in my life.  ACTIVE being the key. For many years I played the victim. It was always everything and everybody else’s fault why my life sucked. “Poor pitiful me, no one loves me, no one cares.  It’s everyone else, why bother, I just may as well leave…frigg this, I deserve BETTER!!!  BLah Blah Blah. “ Easy to get on to that fur lined pity pot. A place that was very comfortable yet full of pain in the delusion of it.

There are times those thoughts permeate in. That disturbance I recognize.  If left, it can eat me up.  I have learned what ever eats at me, will lead me to eat…so I MUST address and clear it away.

I share with you my  thoughts from this mornings musings……..

I sit in the quietness of my thoughts and I am lost. I hear nothing. Just an echo of a stillness. I do hear noises. There are noises all around me, but they don’t permeate this quietness inside. This is where my soul communes, contemplates and finds answers.

There is a sullen emotion over shadowing, waiting to encompass, as if some force is holding it back wanting it’s presence to be known. It disturbs my quietness. I don’t need to go there. I’ve tasted it’s deepness before. A hole that can swallow me whole. It’s easy to slide into that hole. But it’s still there. I can’t ignore its presence.

I spent many years there. Alone. It’s sneaky. It’s cunning. It’s baffling. It feeds on random thoughts and warps them into truths that do me harm.  “No one cares… you are a failure… I am unworthy. ….who wants to be around you?… why even bother?… everyone else is nuts….why do I need anyone?…..no one understands….. I am alone… what am I doing here?”

In dishonesty, I begin to believe my delusion.

In my selfishness, I plant my arse on a pity pot and wallow. 

In my self-seeking. I lash out in thoughts of resentment and how dare they! I don’t deserve this! Look what I have done to help them! and in an effort  to prove my righteousness try to control those around me and get pissed off in trying. At times I go farther and vocalize my thoughts and chew someone a new arsehole!  Not good! My sense of control and self righteousness rise up and can play dominance here….I can’t change anyone….I am only hurting me.

In fear, I stay silent. I freeze. In fear do not speak of my needs to anyone. I then feel more alone and bitter for I feel no one helps me, no one cares. Do I even really know what I need? 

Oh God. Look at those thoughts. They will kill me. Show me what I need to do.

Yes, I spent such a long time in helping others, I forgot about me.  That desire to be  loved was so strong, I looked for it from outside myself. That always left me unfulfilled. Lonely and feeling unloved. To deal with any of my emotions, I turned to a feel good to cope. I blamed everyone but myself and wallowed there, justified in my delusion. I recognize those old feelings. I don’t need to go there.

There is absolutely nothing wrong in helping others. The deciding factor is …..what are my motives?  What are my expectations? Those motives and expectations always got me in trouble.

What about me?
OK Melanie, yes. I have fear of the upcoming biopsy and cat scan. I have watched those I love die from cancer. I recognize that fear.
I left getting this seen to. In my neglect, has it progressed to my lymph nodes? They felt 2 enlarged! OK,OK. I can’t rudiment over things…. I do not know. I own the fact I have neglected me in the past. Now… is all I have. What happens in the future I have no control of it. I am taking action to get it seen to. Put my focus on something else.

Focus on the solution not the problem. but wait. hold on. Dig deeper.

My super woman cape is waving. That illusion disappearing.

Does fear make me less than?  I will always feel fear Melanie. it’s a part of my emotions, an alert to something going on that needs addressing.

Am I blocking that fear like I have for so many years? Yes, I ate my fear. Where does it go now?  I need to learn how to deal with that fear…that it is OK to be afraid.

Deep down… yes, ……I am afraid.

Afraid of death.
Afraid of all the shit one goes through with sickness, I have seen this first hand. I watched my husband die in front of me and was with him so he wouldn’t be alone. No one deserves to die alone.  Will I be alone? LIES!! HELLO!! I am not DEAD yet!!!
Does fear make me not strong?  hmmm I see that perfectionism, that superwoman cape waving. frigg that cape!!
I am vulnerable. It is OK to feel vulnerable.
My super woman cape needs to be retired.

It is in my weakness, I find strength.

I shared with a few others of my upcoming tests. OK what were my motives in telling another?  hmmmm was I expecting something  from telling others? I can’t control how others react. That is self pity, oh boy! I can’t go there geesh!
Only control I have is my reaction. I can not afford to get into planting my arse on the pity pot. All I will get is ring around my anus and a whole lot of trouble. I know isolation is where my thoughts can grow into insane ways. NO, I can’t go there!!

What is my need?
I dont want to face this alone.

I am not alone.

With that  sullen emotion over shadowing, in digging into what is going on, I can see how my thoughts can begin to take me down a rabbit hole which is no good for me.  I see the lies in those thoughts and how they can grab a hold of me when those challenges life throws at me.

I have a choice. Do I dive into nothingness of lies and bullshit and wallow and destroy myself in the insanity or take courage and take the steps and action needed to be recovered?

I choose recovery. I don’t want that insanity anymore.  Action, action, action.

I see my part. I know what I can do to do better. 

How can I expect others to be mind readers? If I am not open and honest to share of my heart, how can I expect anything more that what I give? Those expectations are high of which no one can fulfill.  High expectations lead me to resentments.

In following this way of living now, in taking these steps I can arrest the track of those thoughts that take me to insanity. I recognize the lies. I see my part in it and what I can do better.

Thank you HP I have a way to live now. A method, a solution  where I can recognize what is going on, own my part in it and take action to change me and my attitudes. If nothing changes, nothing changes.

I can in no way change anyone else in how they behave. I can only take responsibility on how I react to them, for in my own reaction, I can cause myself more harm than good.

There in lies my freedom, my recovery…… my quietness of mind.  There lies the solution to all my problems today. An answer to everything; a method in which to live by. Those disturbances can be cleared away…so they don’t ruin me. Bill W. called those disturbances “Hobbling Liabilities”  They most definitely are and need to be cleared away at all cost.

I am so grateful and filled with that peace that passes all understanding. All I have is today and I know I will be OK no matter what.

I know I am never alone.