In listening to “You are My Sunshine” This morning my mind traveled back to a moment in time 31 years ago when at the Grace Maternity. I spent weeks in the neonatal unit rocking my baby girl Sarah singing that very song. Holding her in my arms and the magical magnetic connection we had together, I still feel it today. She is my Sunshine. My little ray of hope. Amazing how one small song can evoke so many fond memories and take you back to that moment.
I didn’t go looking for that song, it appeared, like many things do of which I know there is no mistake. 31 years ago I had my Sarah and unbeknownst to me at the time, in 24 hours she would leave me from this earth. My moments with her were so special and will forever be burned into my memory. I am so grateful to have had her for one month and two days.
It was a very devastating time. Her story can be found here. Losing a child is a grief all on it’s own. All the hopes and dreams come crashing down and are no more; held in a void, not knowing what to do with smash dreams. All possibilities, gone. A part of your soul vacates, and even though that love is still felt and somehow you know their Spirit is present, the main aspect of seeing and having their human presence here is forever gone and that is the worst part that tears you in two. Life is never the same.
Learning to live without, is a huge change, but needed, to be able to continue in life. The pain does lessen, but the missing never goes away. I am human. I am grateful for the Spiritual part of me, that can feel connected to her with the love that we share but that human side that misses… that human need of connection remains, and the loss felt, for I am human.
I once blamed myself for Sarah’s death; surely a Mother should be able to care and protect her baby and do something? Surely there must have been something I could have done?… but no. No matter how many times I was told there was nothing I could have done, I deep down blamed myself. Did I blame God? No. I understood in life things happen, yet there, I felt I was somehow to blame. Amazing the self-seeking flaw I carried, as if there was some power I possessed to prevent a SIDS death. I was powerless to prevent or do anything, yet I carried the deep seeded guilt of it being my fault. Smothered in pain and guilt I squashed it with food so not to feel.
After many years, while working at a restaurant, a feller started working with me. A British chap that had come to NS and married a maritime gal. Twas so cool listening to Mark’s accent and stories. In training with him he told me how he belonged to a church in Britain and how the church was for people who could see, feel or sense messages from Spirits. I thought it cool as he explained and I remained open to listen as he shared his experiences with being a medium. He mentioned how that when they had readings that the person say nothing but yes or no, that messages were never deep but could be funny to just comforting. How that Spirits age differently and that can be around us at times playing tricks in our peripheral vision.
One Saturday when training him, we were busy yakking as usual and I went over to the stove to pull out a turkey. When I stood up, Mark was standing there looking at me. He said, “there is a girl, a young girl this high and she must be young because she is talking like a munchkin.”
I said “yes”.
He said as he swirled his finger in the air looking, “Her name begins with…… with …an S”.
I swallowed hard and said “yes”.
“She is showing me” as he cupped his hands, “a b…a bunny…no…a b..bear”.
I said, “yes”
“She knows you still have it” , he said.
There were other things he mentioned, some funny and very spot on but as he proceeded he said, “She must have been in some sort of accident”.
I said nothing but looked at him puzzled and he continued to say, “For she is telling me it wasn’t your fault.”
My heart pulled and a tear started to form in my eye and a weight lifted. Immediately he said, “She has a message for you…. that she misses and loves you.”
A wave of gratefulness surrounded me and a sense of peace filled me. I felt so happy. I then proceeded to tell Mark about Sarah. He said she had been nudging him since he came to the restaurant to tell me her message.
Mark didn’t stay long working at the restaurant, a total of 2 weeks. I am so grateful for his short time in getting to know him, and so grateful for him being a messenger for my little ray of sunshine’s message.
I no longer blame myself. I have a sense of peace in that part of my life and know Sarah is always near. She is my Sunshine, my ray of hope. Love never dies. I will see her again.
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