Change

“Change is Inevitable.  Growth is optional.”

Change.
Man, don’t I hate it. I am a creature of habit, in that I get really comfortable in whatever “normal” I am used to repeating.  Yet, in my almost 58 years I have learned, life is ever evolving, ever changing and there are times resistance is futile. Change is inevitable.

For years I would be so overwhelmed with the many things in my life needing change that I froze. How could I face so much? I know my past attempts, always failed, so why bother? I felt hopeless. What was the sense? Yet that proud part me would never let  others know of that turmoil inside. Putting on that brave face, saying and doing what ever I felt everyone else wanted. I was very codependent. I was always looking for that outward acceptance but always felt unloved and unworthy. I was miserable inside. I felt an actor. A fake.  I hated myself. I felt if anyone got close enough, they might hate me too.  So I kept people at a distance,  isolating, growing a way of life that was killing me from the inside out. I never asked for help, and then wondered why no one came near to help me and grew resentful.  I was only hurting myself. I am grateful that old way is in the past.

During this pandemic, change has been even more evident. The old normal no more; what changes!! Change is definitely inevitable. Things happen in this life where no one has any control over at all. I either accept this change or live in turmoil of my own ego wanting it to be different. I may very well tell myself I’m OK with change, but honestly, from my consistent inaction of the past, my self will was run amuck.  I was my own worse enemy. I was able to look real good in looking like I was taking action but my knowledge took precedence. Knowledge is only power if put into action; if not, it’s just knowledge.

WOW. that is what I have done for a good lot of my life. I lived in my ego, wanting it to be MY way. How did that work for me? Not the best. When I finally gave up, finally accepted life on life’s terms, things seemed to go an awful lot better.  With Awareness and Acceptance, I can take Action; that is where change can occur.

Change. How the times in 57 years I “tried” to change.  The many self help programs, diets, attempting to change my head, my size, my eating. Try.

I believe that was my problem. To “try”something, was a method whereby I still was holding on to something. A half-hearted attempt. Not willing to let go and really take the action necessary to DO. I wanted it my way. I wasn’t willing, yet I felt I was. Ahhh dishonesty with self was huge. My old familiar way, but …..I wanted change, I was caught on the fence where there is no balance.  “Do or do not, there is no try.” To change is to never go back. To admit defeat. Change is change. No going back…just moving forward. A decision is needed.

Hanging on to a past keeps me frozen and the only change, is a repetition of a groundhog day.  An insanity that is a continual loop. I was in that loop. I was insane. Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results; there was none; none that would stick. I held on to old ideas that were destroying me.  Amazing what the ego in the extremes can do, and boy did I live in the extremes.

Change.
A big task. What seems a huge mountain to climb. When the chips are down, with no end in sight, one is faced with the fact I can not do it.  I am powerless. Truly powerless;  beat. I knew I couldn’t do it anymore. I finally admitted defeat. I couldn’t do it!! I needed to rely on a Power outside myself.  My soul finally able to make that 3 fold connection needed with body mind and soul.

Twenty two months ago when I came to a point in my life of desperation, I knew I couldn’t do it anymore. I knew I had to make a decision. DO or DO NOT, there is no try. I am grateful for all the changes in my life.  Yes, my body had definitely changed in 22 months, but so much more…..

progression
A Picture of Progression; April 2019 – April 2020 – Feb 2021

Pictures they say tell everything, but do they? Not in my opinion. Pictures tell of an outward change not inward. I had many times lost weight and it was seen in pictures but it never told the inward journey, one that is seldom discussed and that is the very thing that can totally be the change to cinch the outward change. Balance was needed in my life. I never knew how to react to life. Until I knew better I couldn’t do better. .

Old ideas and behaviors need changing on my inside. My fat head and heart needed to connect for that change to happen. I am now working on changing all those old ideas that sabotaged me. I am learning how to deal with anything that arises, accept life on life’s terms. Accept my emotional me an be OK with every emotion and let them go. I dont need to react and wallow over them. Being able to live in peace no matter what may happen… how awesome is that!! To work with others and accept others as they are, I learn more about me in the process; to see what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.

Live in today and be happy right here and now. So grateful I have a way to live now. The insanity around food is gone. I have peace in my heart and peace in my soul.
I am grateful for the growth that has occurred during all the changes and the willingness to take action. During this pandemic it has shown me how life once again is ever changing. Suck it up Melanie… the past is gone, what is now, is and acceptance of how it is, will give me peace.  I may not like it, but acceptance is the answer to ALL my problems today.

I know I must continue living one day at a time and keep that balance with mind body and spirit. I need to continue growing and enriching my life.  If I don’t the insanity I know will return, for I am only recovered for today, never cured. I AM an addict. I AM a   compulsive overeater.

So, change is inevitable. What a person does with that change, will determine their  outcome. The growth we can  receive, is optional.

What  will you decide to do?

 

4 Replies to “Change”

  1. Melanie,
    I can so relate to the inner turmoil and the putting on a brave face cause that is what people expect and I expect of me.

    Expect change I try but not fixing the real issues.

    Your story has really made me think of how I can change the old me and the worrying and hating me for being a failure. (A failure in my own head and maybe not in others heads). Dealing with alot of issues now including depression and anxiety, anger, etc.

    I have never ever been present in my life and maybe now is my time to start me living again.

    Thank you gor your inspiration Melanie, you are very wise.

    You look amazing and your happiness in yourself now shines in the glow you have in your smiles.

  2. Oh Melanie, such words of wisdom & growth!! I would say you are a “recovered” compulsive overeater. You are a real inspiration. Thank you for this honest sharing of you and your recovery. It is so helpful and you are such an example of what recovery is really like. Thank you so much!

  3. Very inspiring. I’m doing ok for the most part now. I’ve lost 42 pounds since Nov. 2020.
    Thank you for your wise words and encouragement.
    One day at a time is very true. And yes, we can’t stay living in the past. That gets us NOWHERE.
    Miss u !!!

  4. Melanie, I am so very moved by your story and your writing! What a joy to get to know you and to share an 11th Step Meditation meeting with you! Sending lots of love!

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