I am a ‘feel good’ kind of person . I have a habit to seek out any feel good to give me my fix. My euphoria. Yes, I am an addict. In the past, I would do anything to avoid feeling anything. Life felt just too painful. In not knowing how to deal with life at an early age, I sought out a coping mechanism to survive.
Food became my drug. and in time, there were certain foods I just could not stop eating. And if I did with a period of dieting, that craving for them grabbed a hold of me again and it took over. How many times I wanted to stop as the weight packed on and I felt as if something had taken over me. I felt hopeless.
I am grateful I found a new way of living in the 12 Steps.
Now recovered, I have to be very mindful of that ‘feel good”, for living in the extremes can be to my demise where I can lose myself. I am a creature of habit and being mindful and accepting of this fact and knowing what I can do so as not to dive into those extremes gives me hope.
Everything that happens teaches me more about me and alerts me as to what needs to change. I don’t need to beat myself up anymore. Everything happens to teach me what I need to learn. That is if I am willing to learn. If not I will continue to repeat old patterns.
Some things of my past are imprinted on my soul and I know may take time, if not a lifetime to change. I am OK with this. To sit in uncomfortable feelings during this time can be difficult, but is needed. Taking an honest look and seeing what needs to change and doing it promotes healing and growth.
There are times I spend too much time in my head. Discernment of those different voices that tell me all kinds of lies and bullshit from the truth is a daily occurrence. I am a work in progress.
In recently hearing the song ‘feel good’, things deep inside were evoked. Feelings of the past came rushing back. Oh boy. Yes, I still have some dead weight to work on. This shed further light on things in my life.
Dealing with body image issues for a good part of my life has felt ingrained in me. The last 4 years of much healing, I must say this area has gotten easier and acceptance a huge part of that, although what others do and say can trigger things deep within me that rekindle old thoughts. I am grateful old thoughts are just thoughts and I do not have to entertain them. I am enough.
Others opinions and actions are theirs and a mirror of them, not me. Bless them, change me. Continuing to love myself and take the necessary actions and placing boundaries cements within me love for myself. Love for the little girl inside that still is grieving for the love and acceptance. I can give that to her. She is enough. I am enough.
In hearing this song and feeling emotional of it, I realize, yes, I have more work to do. Dead-weight will dissipate as I take the necessary actions.
“Will it ever feel good, will I ever feel good about me?” I know without a doubt I will, one day at a time.